Kim Myung-Sook of Fabriquée en Corée posted this article from The Sydney Morning Herald on whether parental love for adopted children is the same as love for biological children. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’ve never doubted my parents love, but sometimes I think there are limits to how close I can be or have been with my adoptive parents. Perhaps that is more a function of personality or understanding rather than love. Is it possible to distinguish? Every child/person is different and we love them differently. But are there qualitative and quantitative differences to love based on biology? I have two biological children and, as an adoptee, that has been very important for me, to have a biological, physical connection to others. I’ve been considering adoption myself and I wonder, would there be a difference? I believe, I hope, that my love for an adopted child would be just as strong, just as deep, just as fierce. I would certainly do everything in my power to make all of my children feel “equally” loved. I suspect this is a controversial and probably taboo subject for many adoptive families. What do you think?
Click here to read the article.
This article makes me as angry as I was after reading Rebecca Walker’s Baby Love–specifically the part where she insists she’ll never love her stepson the way she loves her newborn baby. At the time I thought, “What a bitch.” Even if she FELT that way, there was NO reason to put it in print for the world to see. For those parents in that article who admit to not loving their adopted children as much, I wish they had never been ALLOWED to adopt. The bond between a mother and newborn (from everything I’ve read and heard from friends who are biological mothers) is NOT instant, automatic, and forever guaranteed. I feel like there’s a lot of mythologizing that goes on in “the cult of motherhood,” and maybe I feel that way b/c I don’t have kids, and don’t especially want kids. But as a child who was loved less, I know how much that hurts–ESPECIALLY when parents talk about it in front of you….grrrr…there are so many people in the world who just SHOULDN’T HAVE KIDS!!!
I agree… for the parents who actually feel this way, they definitely should keep it from their kids.
Not sure I can read the article. Not in the right emotional space. I only know the truth I live. I am a mother to a biological child and an adopted child. Both were very different journey’s, neither easy. My birth child was a medical nightmare, my survival called a miracle. My physical recovery certainly impacted our first months together. My adopted child was a hell of a journey. When she was finally placed in my arms she was terrified. There is nothing normal about that. I met her brith mother. For many nights I sat in the hotel tub and wailed and grieved while my family slept. There is nother normal about a woman giving you her child and asking you to just love her and raise her.
At the end of the day I have a ferocios love for each of my children. Our unique journies to each other is part of our bond.
I am not sure I want to read the article. It sounds terrible. As an adoptive mother and a biological mother, I’d like to jump into the conversation. For each of my children, there was an instant feeling of joy and love when I found out about them, whether by pregnancy test, phone call or profile picture. Each feeling was the same. That is not unconditional love, though. That initial feeling every mom feels is temporary. Unconditional love is the act of being there in the tough and ugly times. It is the feeling of devotion that comes through working together and surviving together. This has come so differently with each of my children. Therefore, it is different for each child. The measure of love is the same, though. Just like apples and oranges. They are so different, yet a pound of fruit is a pound of fruit… and so yummy!
It is not a pleasant article. To me, it just points out one of the things that can go wrong with adoptions. What to do about it I don’t know…